Author: Heidi

2019 goal: to surround myself with optimisyic folks. People who choose to laugh than resort to negative emotions.

I need some of that in my life.

Suffocation

There are more reasons for suffocation than clinginess.

It happens from not feeling understood. It happens from not feeling like youre able to express how you feel without considering how the other party will explode. It happens when you already know the backlash youll get for even slightly mentioning something they dont like. It happens when you just try to keep appeasing them so you dont try to communicate anymore about what you need. Its burying my needs deep deep inside myself until finally, its over. It’s what happens when everytime you want to communicate your needs, they walk out because they don’t want to listen. Because it’s theirs over yours. Its what happens when youre called “crazy” for feeling such a way. Crazy is the explanation from them and you are to just accept thats it not from something logical

I always felt uncomfortable in classes that made participation a huge chunk of your grade. Participation which was not just attendance, made you speak up in class, voice your opinions, etc. I hated those classes which is 99% of a reason why I chose to major in a science. It seemed like the other courses expected you to “participate” and “discuss” (meaning fighting intellectually for me). Anxiety would set in going to classes that were more for open discussion. I felt safety in my science courses consisting of 50 min full of just lecture. In fact, I was more engaged in these courses and felt included.

Just because some people don’t talk in class or ask questions, does not mean those that are not speaking are “shy” or “not learning”. I wish schools balanced the classes between those who are extroverts vs introverts. I would have had a more enjoyable time during my education.

 

New favorite band

Yeah if this is, for real.
Well then maybe, reel me in
If it’s a game, well then what a shame, shame.
I was realizing, we were on our own.
Spending all of our time, wasting every night
I was realizing, I was getting old
I been working all night
Doing everything right.
Wanting together
To do it all right

I want more for my 27 year old self. 

My preferences have changed. I enjoy shopping for house décor instead of one-night club clothes. I envision a home one day with my loved one and a dog or two instead of being alone. I have these desires to pick up hobbies like growing plants or doing things I enjoy whereas I was on everyone else’s schedule before. 

Its scary how adulthood can change you. How a serious relationship can make you desire things you never wanted before. Maybe its because all my friends are moving onto more bigger and serious things or maybe its because I feel tired of being young and temporary. From friends to romantic partners and jobs to careers, I desire more and more in each spectrum of my life.  

Wishing 2018 to be a year of growth and opportunities.

 

I heard once that what you feel like at the beginning of the day dictates how the day will go for you.

When I wake up now, I try to think that it will be a good day. Even when bad things happen through the day, I end up passing it over and giving it no thought. And usually at the end of the day, I won’t even remember it. Its fascinating how much we are controlled by our mind. Our mental state determines so much of what we feel and how we perceive the world.

 

You are your own happiness. Mold yourself as you wish and even when you feel like there’s just so much resistance, that just means you’re closer than you think.

 

Fear

“A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.”